Lana is my first girlfriend. Before that, I had some short-term relationships with guys, but I was never really in love. The only time it happened was in Lana. I don’t think I could feel that way for a man. And maybe not to anyone.
Lana worked in a cafe, in which she loved to study. I quickly knew what my regular drink was and started making it as soon as I walked in. Often she would make small talk. ‘what are you reading?’ and “How did your exam go?” Lana was attentive. Once he was really quiet, I just joined in. I immediately liked that audacity.
Lana is very beautiful. But I didn’t think much of it until then. I felt something when she was so close. Our arms crossed slightly, her eyes with mine. For the first time I saw the little scar on her chin and I loved it. I began to look forward to my afternoons there and as I did, I found it increasingly difficult to study. Meanwhile, she would sometimes make her clients wait a long time to talk to me.
We were waiting for a reason. Something to meet outside the coffee shop. When I told Lana I was going to the movie theater this weekend and she asked who I was, she exclaimed impulsively that I didn’t have a date yet. ‘are you coming?’ I asked, the way is too difficult. Immediately after, I had to text the friend I was actually going to see to say I’d accidentally double dated. He was happy to laugh at it later.
It became our first date. She touched me regularly during the movie and during intermission. I flirted, although I didn’t dare believe it then. Kissed me on the bike. I’ve never felt anything like it. The girl’s mouth kisses completely differently, but it’s more than that what I felt. What exploded in my stomach. I wanted her to stay with me forever.
Soon, all of this infatuation turned into a serious relationship. Officially I continued to live with my parents, but most of the time I was with her. Maybe that went too fast. Maybe the space is too small. Maybe we should both literally and figuratively give each other more space. Anyway, the annoyance slowly crept up on us.
I noticed that she became less excited when I entered. I heard her sigh as she read a book and wanted to talk. Meanwhile, she was disturbed because she was smoking weed inside. But yeah, it was her home. We got into more and more fights. Usually for nothing special and yet he hit hard every time. Lana can be fierce when offended, and I’m starting to watch out for that more and more. I started saying bad things. Meaner than necessary. Strange how you bring out the worst in each other, especially when you love each other.
I finished it myself. The last period was often more indivisible than pleasant and I felt she would rather lose me than be rich. She was shocked. We both cried a lot, but she agreed. “Maybe it’s really better,” she said. I’m trying to stick to that now, but I’m very doubtful. I miss it and notice that the pain is barely subsiding. I think of her constantly. Cramps in my chest. With some regularity, I must swallow my tears to let her run to bed at night.
I don’t know what to do. what is good. If I asked her to try again, she might refuse me. And if not, it can easily go wrong again. I think I should get over this. Heartbreak will eventually pass, but for now I can’t believe it yet. I just want to be with Lana.”
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Vital Materials – Technical Weekly
Potato chips, chocolate and cookies are bad for the brain for this reason